This week has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me. I’ve done copious amounts of reflection on multiple aspects of my life. One thing that has came up in this for me this week is “help”. Accepting help when I’m in need of it and when it’s offered.  

I can’t do it.  I never ask for help. I’m serious. Aside from asking my husband to help with things I will not ask for help from anyone, for anything. Financial, emotional, help with Milo. Nothing. And you better believe that IF I do ask for help it’s because I really, truly, need it and am choking down my pride enough to spit out the words “can you please….”

I don’t know why I’m like this?  I’d rather rip off my pinky than ask to borrow money from someone.  I have offers all of the time for people to babysit Milo while I enjoy some alone time, I RARELY take it. Seriously.  I just feel like he’s mine, I made him because I wanted him and I shouldn’t leave him, & most of the time I really enjoy my time spent with him. So not healthy. I’m working on it though.

I’m super broke this week. Some unexpected bills needed to be paid and they were, which left us broke. I’m not one of those people that says I’m broke when I have $500.00 in the bank account. When I’m broke it’s like zero dollars in the bank account until pay day.  My Mom offered to come take Milo and I to lunch today, her treat. Not because I was broke, just because she wanted to spend time with us.  I told her no.  What the eff is wrong with me? People’s parents take them to lunch all the time, peoples parents do a lot for them, financially and otherwise.  I know she wasn’t taking me to lunch just cause I couldn’t afford it but, that’s all I could think in my head.  I refused to let her treat us to lunch because I’m a freak…I need to let go a bit.

I really need to let go.  I always feel as though if I ask for help (in any way) that I’m being viewed as not having things together and in control, that I’ve somehow failed. Have I mentioned I’m a control freak, like it’s sickening how much my life needs to be in control.  My husband made a huge observation this week and I was just in such a fog I couldn’t see it.  He said to me in so many words;

You’re having such a rough week, Kristi because you have such a need to be in control all of the time.  You have to be in control of everything, and always have everything planned  the way you intend.  This week stuff has came up that is beyond your control and you can’t handle that, and that’s why you are freaking out.

It was like DUH! You are totally right and also… Wow. That’s sad. I need to learn how to let go, and realize that sometimes shit is beyond my control. And that it’s going to be OK. So, I’m trying. I’m really going to work on it, otherwise, I’m headed for an early grave due to stress!

I have no idea why I’m opening up so much on here. Maybe I’m just getting back to my roots a bit. Way back when, when I had 3 readers I was amazingly open and candid about me and my life on the bloggy blog.  Now that I have 10 readers I hold back more… So this is me. For those that really, truly want to get to know me, that is a major aspect of me and also a major personal flaw. Now ya know! But, I doubt anyone really read this because people A.) don’t like posts like this & B. ) it’s a longer post, people don’t like reading that much!

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